


Life Goes On: A Christmas Special

by WildDogJJ



Category: Daria (Cartoon)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-16
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:20:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28109973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WildDogJJ/pseuds/WildDogJJ
Summary: Picking up where Life Goes On left off, it's Christmas time and everyone's coming together for the holidays.  The trouble starts when phony copy strikes result in Quinn's YouTube Channel being taken down.  When a clerical error wipes out the bank accounts as well Quinn's husband tries to hide the fact that they've lost all their money from everyone, including Quinn, out of shame.
Relationships: Jamie White (Daria)/Original Character(s), Quinn Morgendorffer/Original Male Character(s), Sandi Griffin/Tom Sloane





	1. Chapter 1

**Opening**  
 **Music:** "Joy To The World"

We see the famous image of Daria in a circle. The name 'Daria' is, however, absent from above her head and she looks like she did in the EW article from 2017. The background is dark blue. Suddenly, the blue background morphs into a starry night sky. Next, the affect of falling snow is added. This is followed by a Santa cap appearing atop Daria's head as the circle suddenly turns into a Christmas Wreath. Suddenly, the following caption appears...

**"Life Goes On: A Christmas Special"**   
**written by**   
**WildDogJJ**

After seeing this both the logo and the caption disappear, but the night sky and falling snow remain as the intro becomes the first scene.

**Act I**   
**Scene 1**

The opening image has now morphed into a panoramic shot of the Long Island suburban town of Glennville, New York. Zoom in on a building with a plaque that reads "Billy Joel Elementary School" as snow continues to fall. The school is covered in Christmas lights which, combined with the falling snow, let us know that it's December.

 **Ext. Shot:** The entrance to Billy Joel Elementary School, evening

Daria and Jane are standing in front of the school entrance as snow continues to fall. While Daria looks no different from the 2017 EW article, Jane has since ditched the faux-hawk and regrown her old hairstyle with the bleached white streak being the only change that she hasn't reversed. She's also de-aged, indicating that she's since stopped doing whatever drugs she was on in 2017.

Daria: "I can't believe I'm freezing my ass off in front of a suburban elementary school."

Jane: "Daria, it's a light December snowfall, not the harsh January blizzard we endured on that ill fated mountain excursion back in high school."

Daria: "Would that be the one where Joey, Jeffy and Jamie left the supplies behind to carry all of Quinn's stuff?"

Jane nodded.*

*( It happened in the Daria episode "Antisocial Climbers")

Daria: "Why are we doing this, again?"

Jane: "Family obligation. Your nephews and my niece are in the school holiday pageant."

Daria: "Damn familial obligations."

At this point, Jamie approaches, accompanied by his wife, Nicole. Jamie looks like he did in "Daria" save for a more conservative hairstyle and being twenty years older. Nicole White, nee Yagami, looks like Tiffany with a Brittany sized rack.

Jamie: "Hey, Daria, Jane."

Daria: "Hello, Jeremy."

Jamie: "I'm Jamie."

Daria: "And I was joking."

Jamie stifles a laugh.

Jamie: "Good one, Daria."

Nicole: "What are you guys doing here?"

Jane: "Family obligations. Trent's daughter is in the pagaent, so are Quinn's sons."

Daria: "In other words, we don't have a choice."

Jane looks at her watch.

Jane: "Where are Quinn and Jim anyway?"

 **Ext. Shot:** A street in Glenville

A blue 2017 Chevy Camaro ZL1 is speeding.

 **Int. Shot:** Jim's Camaro

Jim is driving way over the speed limit (and way too fast, given the weather conditions) while a very nervous Quinn is in the passenger seat. Jim suddenly swerves to avoid running down a jogger on the sidewalk.

Quinn (scared and annoyed): "Dammit, Jim! This is a suburban street, not a race track! Could you please be careful?"

Jim (panicked): "We don't have time to be careful, Quinn, we're running late!"

Cut to outside as the car races into the school parking lot. Jim slides into a parking space at breakneck speed before bringing the car to a sudden stop without hitting anything. He revs the engine, which is very loud, before shutting the car off. After this, a visibly relieved Quinn emerges from the passenger side while a visibly proud Jim emerges from the driver side. Cut to the entrance as they approach.

Daria: "Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Speed Racer."

Jim: "Sorry we're late. It took Quinn forever to upload her latest S'mores 'n' Pores video."

Quinn: "You still didn't have to drive like that bald, buff guy in all those movies."

Jane smirks.

Jane: "Marital bliss at it's finest."

* * *

 **Scene 2**  
 **Int. Shot:** School auditorium

In the audinece we see Jane sitting with Trent to her right. He looks the same as he did in the 2017 EW article except that his hair is now all gray despite the fact that he's only 44. Trent and Jane were there to support his nine year old daughter Alyssa. Alyssa Lane was the result of a one night stand Trent had in 2010. As a result, he didn't know that she existed until a year ago when she showed up at his place with a note from her mother that read "She's your problem now". A subsequent paternity test confirmed that Alyssa was indeed Trent's daughter and she's been living with him since then.

Daria sat to Jane's left. To Daria's own left sat Quinn, with her husband, Jim, sitting on the opposite side. Nicole sat on the other side of Jim while Jamie sat on the opposite side of Nicole. Next to Jamie sat Tom Sloane. On the other side of Tom was his wife, Sandi (nee Griffin). Their kids, Shane and Lexi, went to school here. They'd recently bought another house, a mansion in Glenville, because Tom felt it would be good for the kids to attend public school and Sandi agreed on the condition that they not attend school in the city. As such, while they still had the luxury condo in Manhattan their official residence was now a large mansion in Glenville.

Cut to the stage and we see the principal, Sam Stickler, approach the microphone. Mr. Stickler was a fifty year old with a very muscular build and a military style flat-top buzz cut from his former life as a Gunnery Sergeant in the Marine Corps.

Mr. Stickler: "Welcome to our Christmas Pageant. I know it's officially a Holiday Pageant, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let those namby-pamby liberal traitors take the Christ outta Christmas. I'm glad you all tested negative for Covid and passed the temperature check, except for Kenny Allison's parents."

Cut to behind Mr. Stickler and we see a little boy peering through the curtain. He's crying. Cut back to Mr. Stickler as he sees the tears in the boys eyes.

Mr. Stickler: "Stop crying, you little pussy! A weak ass like you woulda been eaten alive in Iraq!"

Mr. Stickler turns his attention back to the audience.

Mr. Stickler: "Anyway, on with the show! Our first segment is Santa's From Around The World. The first performers are first graders Shane and Alexis Sloane!"

As Mr. Stickler stepped aside the curtain rose. Standing there were Tom and Sandi's twins, son Shane and daughter Alexis, called Lexi. Shane is wearing a Santa Clause beard but his clothes are the vestments of a Catholic Cardinal. Lexi is in a devil costume. Cut to the audience and we see Tom and Sandi applaud proudly.

Sandi: "They look soo adorable!"

Cut back to the stage as Shane takes the microphone.

Shane: "Froliche Weinacten! That's Merry Christmas in German. I'm Sankt Niklaus, the German Santa Claus."

Shane hands the microphone to his sister.

Lexi: "I'm Sankt Niklaus' assistant, a demon named Krampus."

Shane: "Instead of visiting on Christmas Eve, I go to Germany on December 6th, which is Sankt Niklaus Tag."

Lexi: "I go with him because that night is also Krampusnacht."

Shane: "I go to houses and give presents to all the good boys and girls."

Lexi: "I go with him carrying a whipping rod to punish the bad boys and girls."*

*( Author's Note: My mother grew up in Germany. That really is how they do it over there.)

Cut to later on in the segment. On stage is a little girl in a witch costume complete with a broomstick. In lieu of a pointed hat she wears a red bandanna over a gray wig.

Girl in witch costume: "Buon Natale! I'm La Befana, the Italian Santa Claus. I became part of the Christmas tradition after providing shelter to the three wise men as they traveled to see the baby Jesus. While Santa Claus delivers presents to the rest of the world I do that job in Italy. I'm a good witch who uses her magic to create toys for the good kids while cursing the bad ones. I also clean the homes I visit with my broom. Instead of the milk and cookies left for Santa, kids leave me a jug of wine on Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas!"

The girl exits the stage pretending to fly on her broom, cackling maniacally.

Cut to later and we see a little boy on stage wearing a Santa Claus outfit, but his is green instead of red.

Boy (fake British accent): "Good Morrow! I am Father Christmas, the English version of Santa Claus."

Cut to later still and we see another boy dressed as Gandalf The Gray.

Boy (fake Eastern European Accent): "I am the Wizard Of Winter, the Russian Santa Claus!"

Cut to later in the pagaent. Mr. Stickler once again has the microphone.

Mr. Stickler: "Next up is fourth grader Alyssa Lane, with her own rendition of Silent Night."

As Mr. Stickler exits the stage the curtain rises to reveal Alyssa with a well worn electric guitar in her hands. She looks like a prepubescent version of Jane. Alyssa proceeds to play Silent Night with everything cranked up all the way to ten. Once past the 'sleep in heavenly peace' part, she suddenly blazes into a note for note recreation of Eddie Van Halen's famous "Eruption" instrumental. Cut to the audience to reveal collective shock. Cut to Mr. Stickler to reveal an expression of outrage. He immediately pulls the plug on the amp. Alyssa noticed this and suddenly stopped playing.

Alyssa: "Mr. Stickler, you just killed my groove!"

Mr. Stickler: "And you just earned yourself two weeks detention with that stunt, young lady!"

He angrily dragged Alyssa off the stage. Cut to the audience.

Daria: "You know, Trent, that was inappropriate."

Trent: "Yeah, that guitar is a piece of shit. That's why I'm getting her a Fender Strat for Christmas."

This elicits an eye roll from both Daria and Jane.

Cut to later on. Mr. Stickler is once again on stage.

Mr. Stickler: "Now, Mrs. Henderson's first grade class with a presentation of Jingle Bells."

Cut to the audinece.

Quinn: "Jim, get the camera ready!"

Jim aims a camcorder at the stage and starts recording. Cut to the stage and we see that the chorus of first graders includes Quinn and Jim's triplet sons Tommy, Timmy and Teddy. Tommy looks like he did in the EW article while Timmy's overweight and Teddy has huge, Daria-like glasses. The class also includes Nicole and Jamie's daughter, Rachel, who has her father's Northern European skin tone with her mother's black hair and East Asian eyes.

Whole class:

"Dashing through the snow, on a one horse open sleigh  
Over fields we go, laughing all the way  
Bells of bobtail ring, making spirits bright  
What fun it is to ride and sing a sleighing song tonight"

Cut to Tommy and Timmy as they exchange smirks. While the rest of the class sings straight, they sing...

"Jingle bells  
Our teacher smells  
School makes us sleep all day  
We can't run  
We can't have fun  
We can't get away"

At this point, Tommy and Timmy run from their place in front of the class and go to the front of the stage. The shocked reaction from the teacher indicates that this was not a part of the program as two of the three T's proceed to hog the spotlight.

"Jingle bells  
Stickler smells  
He always wrecks our day  
Oh, what fun  
It is to run  
We always get awaYYYYYYYY"

The boys were suddenly yanked up by an angry Mr. Stickler. Holding them each up by the shirt collar in each hand the authoritarian principal proceeds the chew both boys asses in front of everyone.

Mr. Stickler: "Tommy, since I know this was your idea I'm giving you a MONTHS detention, you little punk!"

He turns to Timmy.

Mr. Stickler: "I know you were just following your brother's lead, you gullible butterball, so your punishment will be to work off some of that flab...RIGHT NOW, YOU PUSSY ASS!!!"

He places Timmy down...hard.

Mr. Stickler: "DROP AND GIVE ME FIFTY, YOU LITTLE LARD ASS!"

Timmy (whiny): "But, Mr. Stickler..."

Mr. Stickler: "DO IT! AND ADDRESS ME PROPERLY!"

Timmy (panicked): "SIR, YES, SIR!!"

Timmy struggled to do the push ups as the principal attempted to motivate him with taunting.

Mr. Stickler: "YOU CALL YOURSELF A BOY! YOU'RE WEAK! YOU'RE A SILKY GIRL! YOU KNOW WHERE SILK COMES FROM!? IT COMES FROM THE ASSES OF CHINESE WORMS!"

Cut to the audience and we see Quinn and Jim stare daggers at the principal. Cut to the stage to show Teddy and Rachel with identical smirks on their faces. Pan out to see the rest of the class nod approvingly at Tommy, indicating that this latest act of defiance just scored him major popularity points.

* * *

 **Scene 3**  
 **Ext. Shot** : Casa Carbone, the following evening  
 **Int. Shot:** The living room  
 **Music:** "Deck The Halls"

Jim is decorating the Christmas Tree while Quinn is talking on the phone and the boys are working on their Christmas Wish Lists.

Quinn: "...I understand, Mom."

Split-screen to reveal Helen on the other end.

Helen: "I'm sorry, sweetie, but the way things are right now interstate travel is even more restrictive than international travel."

Jake: (VO, offscreen) "DAMN CORONAVIRUS!"

Quinn heard that on her end.

Quinn (sarcastic): "Dad's taking it well."

Helen stifles a laugh.

Helen: "He's upset. We've pretty much been confined to our condo since March and the isolation's starting to drive your father crazy."

Jake (VO, off screen): "GODDAMN YOU, TRUMP!!!"

Quinn frowns as it's clear the stress of the past year is taking a huge psychological toll on her father.

Quinn: "Tell Dad it'll be okay. This nightmare can't last forever." (thought VO) I hope.

Helen: "I will. In case we don't talk again before then, Merry Christmas, Quinn."

Quinn: "Merry Christmas, Mom."

End Helen's side of the split screen as they both hang up. Quinn turns her attention to Tommy, Timmy and Teddy.

Quinn: "Boys, are you done making your lists for Santa?"

Teddy rolls his eyes as Tommy and Timmy excitedly give their lists to Quinn.

Quinn: "Thanks."

She reads the lists. Cut to her POV and we see a list with the heading "Timmy's Wish List". The first thing Timmy wants is a unicorn. Cut back to third person as Quinn frowns.

Quinn: "Timmy, every year you ask Santa for a unicorn and I keep telling you that Santa Claus can't put a unicorn in his sleigh."

Timmy: "But Mom, I've been really good this year and I've always wanted a pet unicorn. Santa just has to give me one."

Holding his list, Teddy shakes his head disdainfully at his brother.

Teddy: "Timmy, there are two flaws in your logic. One, unicorns aren't real. Two,.." (He nods in their father's direction) "..there's only one old man who gives us presents on Christmas and his name isn't Santa."

Teddy then hands his wish list to his mother.

Quinn: "Maybe your brothers are more realistic."

She looks at one of the other lists. Cut to Quinn's POV and we see the heading "My Christmas List, Tommy". We then see that the first thing on Tommy's list is a tattoo. Cut back to Quinn. Her eyes go wide with shock.

Quinn: "A tattoo!?!"

Tommy: "Yeah. Come on, Mom, tattoos are awesome!"

Teddy: "You just want a tattoo because you think it's cool."

Quinn(firm): "And you're not getting one. Not from Santa and definitely not from me."

Tommy (whiny): "But, Mom..."

Quinn: "No, and that's final."

She turns to read Teddy's list.

Quinn (thought VO): _There'd better not be any surprises on this one._

Cut to Quinn's POV and we see the first item on Teddy's list is a copy of "Sons And Lovers". Cut back to third person and we see Quinn frown.

Quinn (thought VO): _God, what did I do wrong in a past life?_

* * *

 **Scene 4**  
 **Ext. Shot:** An apartment building in Hells Kitchen, evening  
 **Int. Shot:** Daria's apartment

Daria sat at her desk typing while her cat, Godzilla, was napping on the desk. Suddenly, the phone rings. Daria answers.

Daria: "Law Offices Of Daria Morgendorffer, we make a fortune off your misfortune."

Split-screen to reveal Jane on the other end of the line.

Jane: "Hey, Daria. Just calling to see what you're doing for Christmas."

Daria: "Let me guess. Alan won't be out of quarantine in time for the holiday."

Jane: "And they won't let me see him. In short, I'm unexpectedly alone for the holiday."

Daria: "You could always hole up with Trent and Alyssa."

Jane: "That's the plan. I wanna get out of the city for a bit but still be close enough to pick my husband up if and when the CDC decides to spring him, and Glenville's closer to the airport than Manhattan."

Daria knew exactly where this was going.

Daria: "And you assumed I'd be spending the holiday with Quinn, Jim and the boys."

Jane: "Exactly."

Daria: "Even though Glenville's only a forty minute drive away, which means I don't have to sleep over."

Jane: "Daria, we both know the current outbreak is less severe in the suburbs than it is here in the city. Out there we can still do stuff."

Daria: "So, you want me to hole up with my sister and her family so you have someone close enough to hang out with without having to commute."

Jane: "Yes, you staying with Quinn and her brood for the duration would be more convenient for me."

Daria rolled her eyes.

Daria: "Jane, you know it's illogical to sleep over with relatives when we live less than an hour away."

Jane: "Daria, how long have you known me? You know I don't do logic very well."

Daria: "True, and it makes my life more interesting. Frankly, I was thinking of sleeping over at Quinn's anyway. I'm just having a hard time justifying it when I live within commuting distance."

Jane: "Daria, you don't have to rationalize everything. Besides, doing something that makes little to no sense is part of what makes life so fun."

Daria: "I hate it when your right."

Jane smirks on her side of the split-screen.

* * *

 **Scene 5**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, day

There's a layer of snow on the ground and the trees are all bare. Jim is stringing Christmas lights on the house.

 **Int. Shot:** Home office

Quinn is on the computer. She's in the process of logging on to her channel to see how the latest S'mores 'n' Pores video is doing. Suddenly, her eyes go wide.

Quinn: "What the hell!?"

Cut to Quinn's POV. On the computer is an image of a frowning video screen accompanied by the following message...

DELETED.  
This channel has been deleted due to multiple copyright violations.

Cut back to third person. Quinn looks absolutely livid.

Quinn (thought VO): _Some troll threw up enough phony copy strikes to get my channel DELETED!?! ARRRGH!_

Quinn gets off YouTube.

Quinn (thought VO): _Looks like I'll have to rely solely on Patreon and Jim's channel until I can get this straightened out._

We see Quinn typing and clicking on her mouse. Finally, we see her eyes go wide with shock a second time.

Quinn (thought VO): _You've gotta be shitting me!!_

Cut to her POV to reveal an 'account suspended' notice on her Patreon.

Quinn (thought VO): _Who could have it in for me so much that they pull crap that destroys my livelihood?_ (Out Loud) "Jim!"

Jim enters the office.

Jim: "Something wrong?"

Quinn: "Someone used a bunch of phony copy strikes to get S'mores 'n' Pores deleted from YouTube and my Patreon's been suspended!"

Jim's eyes went wide.

Jim: "Holy shit!"

He looks thoughtful for a second.

Jim: "We'd better make sure I'm not in any trouble."

Quinn clicks out of Patreon while Jim sits down at his own desk and starts his computer. Quinn walks over to him as he logs onto his YouTube Channel. Both emit a sigh of relief.

Jim: "Well, my channel's still up."

Quinn notices something.

Quinn: "Jim, you have a PM."

Jim clicks on the PM. Suddenly, his eyes go wide.

Jim: "I've been de-monetized!"

Both Jim and Quinn gasp in horror as they now have no source of income.

* * *

**Act II**  
 **Scene 1**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, day  
 **Int. Shot:** Home office

Quinn and Jim are pacing nervously. They've just found out that some troll deleted Quinn's YouTube channel, de-monetized Jim's channel and suspended their Patreon.

Jim (panicked): "Why now!? Why the fuck now, at Christmas time!?!"

Quinn: "Jim, relax!"

Jim: "Relax!? RELAX!?! Dammit, Quinn, we just had our livelihood snatched away from us!"

Quinn: "Jim, the boys!"

Jim calmed down. The last thing either of them need is the added drama of their kids finding out about this.

Jim: "Quinn, we're still essentially out of a job now."

Quinn says nothing, but looks thoughtful. After a minute of this, she speaks.

Quinn: "Jim, it's a temporary setback. Patreon accounts can only be suspended for abusive and criminal actions. We can easily prove that we've done neither of those things. As for the copy strikes against us on YouTube, we both know those are phony. The only time we used copyrighted material was when it fell well within the bounds of fair use. This is all just the result of some troll with too much free time being a total asshole. We can fix this."

Jim: "Any ideas how?"

Quinn: "Your channel's still up, it's just not generating any revenue. We put a video on that explains the situation. We also put the word out on Instagram. Also, we contact YouTube to explain this and dispute Patreon's claims of impropriety. For added pressure, Phil DeFranco, TmarTn, Anna Akana and Doug Walker all owe us for the times we stepped up when they were in similar situations. I say we call in those favors. Basically, we go through the process of disputing all of this and use our social connections to expedite the process by placing added pressure on both YouTube and Patreon."

Jim smiled.

Jim: "That'll work."

He frowns as something occurs to him.

Jim: "Quinn, that takes time. How are we gonna make money until this is settled?"

Quinn smiled.

Quinn: "Jim, worst case scenario is we're out of action for a month or two and we have more than enough in the bank to keep ourselves afloat until then."

Jim smiled as he realized this situation isn't as bad as it seems.

* * *

 **Scene 2**  
 **Ext. Shot:** A gas station, day

Jim is at the pump getting ready to fill up his Camaro. He takes a card from his wallet. Cut to his POV and we see that it's an ATM/Debit card. Cut back to third person as he places the card in the pump's card reader. After typing in his PIN the machine makes an ominous beeping sound.

Jim (thought VO): _What the hell!?_

Cut to his POV and we see the following message on the screen...

Transaction Denied.  
Insufficient funds.

Cut to third person as Jim angrily takes the card out and places a second card in.

Jim (thought VO): _Looks like I'm using the credit card! I'd better swing by the bank and see what's going on after this._

 **Ext. Shot:** A building marked "GSP Bank and Trust: A Grace, Sloane and Paige subsidiary".

Jim's Camaro was at the drive thru ATM. He'd just put his bedit card in the slot and typed his PIN. His eyes went wide with shock a few seconds later. Cut to his POV and we see the following...

Balance  
Checking: $0.00  
Savings: $0.00

Cut to third person. Jim looks furious.

 **Int. Shot:** Bank lobby, a short time later

Jim angrily charges in. One of the bank employees, a man in a suit and tie with thick glasses and matted down hair that's parted in the middle, approached.

Bank Employee: "Sir, do you have an appointment?"

Jim: "No, but I have an emergency!"

Bank Employee: "Sir, walk in banking is by appointment only."

Jim: "DAMMIT! I just find out that my family's checking and savings accounts are empty and I know we didn't spend that much money in the four days since the last time we checked the balance!"

Bank Employee: "Sounds like a clerical error. If you make an appointment then we can clear the matter up in minutes."

Jim looks more than a little annoyed.

Jim: "Or, we can clear it up now!"

Bank Employee: "That would violate our current policy. No indoor banking without an appointment due to Covid-19."

Jim: "Dammit, this only takes a few minutes!"

Bank Employee: "Rules are rules, sir. Either make an appointment or leave."

Jim visibly wants to punch this guy in his bureaucratic face. He takes a breath to calm himself down.

Jim (increasingly frustrated tone): "Fine! When's the first available appointment time!"

Bank Employee (smug tone): "11:00 AM on January 25th."

Jim's eyes narrow ominously.

 **Ext. Shot:** Bank entrance, a minute later

Jim angrily storms out of the bank.

 **Int. Shot:** Bank lobby

Sitting on a desk, the bank employee struggles not to cry while a female bank teller uses tissues to wipe the blood off his broken nose.

* * *

 **Scene 3**  
 **Ext. Shot:** A massive shopping complex with a huge neon sign that reads "Glenville Mall".  
 **Int. Shot:** The mall  
 **Music:** "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"

Quinn and Nicole are walking through the mall with their kids. They pass by a Books By The Ton.

Teddy: "Mom, can I hang out at the bookstore for a bit?"

Quinn: "Teddy, I'm not comfortable letting you wander off by yourself."

Rachel: "He won't be by himself, Mrs. Carbone. I'll go with him."

Quinn: "Thanks, Rachel, but I'd rather you and Teddy had an adult with you."

Nicole: "I'll go with them, Quinn. I need to get some stuff there anyway."

Quinn was relieved.

Quinn: "Thanks, Nicole."

With that, Nicole took Rachel and Teddy to Books By The Ton while Quinn continued on with Tommy and Timmy.

Tommy: "Mom, can we sit on Santa's lap?"

Timmy: "Yeah, Mom, can we?"

Quinn sighed.

Quinn: "Boys, Santa's not here this year. He doesn't wanna get sick and not be able to bring presents."

Tommy and Timmy both frowned.

Tommy and Timmy: "AWWWWWW!"

Quinn felt bad for them. They could be a handful, but they didn't deserve a pandemic wrecking their childhoods.

Quinn: "Tell you what, boys. How about we go to Toy Town?"

Tommy and Timmy: "YAY!"

As they proceed they pass by a store called "Biker Joe's Tattoos And Piercings". In the display window Tommy sees a tattoo of a flaming skull with daggers in an X pattern beneath it encircled with the words "Ultimate Badass". Squiggle screen as Tommy begins to fantasize.

**Tommy's Fantasy...**

Tommy is on the playground showing off the Ultimate Badass tattoo to all the other kids.

Kid one: "Whoa! Awesome tat, Tommy!"

Kid two: "Dude, you're a total badass!"

Kid three: "Yeah! You're the coolest guy ever!"

Fantasy cuts to a shot of Tommy seated on a throne as all the other kids worship him. Above the throne is a plaque that reads "Coolest Dude Ever". Squiggle screen as we come back to reality.

**Reality...**

Tommy smirks as he gets an idea.

Tommy: "Mom, I have to pee. Can we stop at the restroom?"

Quinn sees this request as reasonable.

Quinn: "Okay. Timmy, do you need to go too?"

Timmy: "N.."

A look from Tommy makes Timmy instantly backpedal.

Timmy: "...I mean yes."

Suspecting nothing, Quinn leads her boys to the nearest restroom.

* * *

 **Scene 4**  
 **Int. Shot:** The restroom entrance

Quinn stands outside the restroom and waits for Tommy and Timmy to come out.

 **Int. Shot:** The mens room  
 **Music:** "The Nutcracker"

There's a vent in the wall that's low enough for the boys to reach and wide enough for them to crawl through. Tommy removes the grate.

Tommy: "You first, Timmy."

Timmy is visibly nervous.

Timmy: "B...But won't we get in trouble?"

Tommy rolls his eyes.

Tommy: "Come on, Timmy. Don't be a wuss!"

Timmy is visibly feeling the pressure.

Timmy: "O...Okay."

He crawls into the vent. Tommy crawls in after him.

 **Int. Shot:** the mall, in front of Biker Joes

Tommy and Timmy are by the window. Tommy is showing the tattoo he wants to get.

Timmy: "But Mom and Dad said no."

Tommy: "Timmy, quit being a wuss! Tattoos are cool."

Timmy: "Tommy, Mom and Dad will ground us for life if we get tattoos."

Tommy: "And the other kids will think we're totally awesome! Come on, don't you wanna be cool?"

Timmy: "But, Tommy..."

Tommy doesn't even listen to his brother as he walks right into the tattoo parlor.

Timmy: "Tommy, wait!"

Timmy hurries in after Tommy.

Cut to the front desk as Tommy approaches with a visibly nervous Timmy behind him. The guy at the counter is a bearded biker dude with a Hell Riders motorcycle vest and tattoos all over his arms. His name is Biker Joe.

Biker Joe: "What are you kids doin' in here?"

Tommy places some money on the counter.

Tommy: "One Flaming Skull Badass tattoo."

Biker Joe is visibly fighting the urge to laugh his ass off.

Biker Joe: "How old are ya?"

Tommy: "Eighteen."

Timmy: "But Tommy, we're sev...oof!"

Tommy elbowed his brother. Biker Joe rolls his eyes.

Biker Joe: "Even if your fat twin didn't spill the beans just now I can tell yer underage."

Tommy: "So?"

Biker Joe: "So I can't work on ya without written consent from a parent or guardian. Now, get outta here before I call security!"

* * *

 **Scene 5**  
 **Int. Shot:** Books By The Ton

Nicole is browsing at one end of a row while Teddy and Rachel are at the other end reading. Rachel's reading a book on Rennaissance Art while Teddy's reading a copy of Machiavelli's The Prince.

Tommy (VO, off screen): "Psst...Teddy."

Teddy looks around the corner and sees his two brothers standing there.

Teddy: "What do you want?"

Tommy: "Remember when I brought home that bad report card and you got me out of trouble by forging Mom and Dad's signatures?"

Teddy rolls his eyes.

Timmy: "Tommy wants you to fake a note from Mom saying it's okay for him to get a tattoo."

Teddy: "And why would I do that?"

Tommy takes some money out of his pocket.

Tommy: "Twenty bucks."

Teddy: "No."

Tommy looks at Timmy. Timmy nervously got some money out of his pocket.

Timmy: "Forty?"

Teddy: "A hundred."

Tommy and Teddy's eyes go wide.

Tommy: "We need the rest of our money to pay for the tattoo."

Teddy: "Then we don't have a deal...unless you wanna do all my chores for the next five months."

Timmy: "But, Teddy..."

Tommy cuts him off.

Tommy: "Deal!"

A Daria-like half-smile forms on Teddy's face.

 **Int. Shot:** Biker Joe's, a short time later

Biker Joe is reading the note Tommy gave him. He's initially skeptical.

Biker Joe: "You forged this."

Tommy smirks.

Tommy: "Timmy."

Timmy hands Biker Joe the same note in his own handwriting. Cut to Biker Joe's POV and we see that Tommy's note has perfect formation, spelling and grammar while Timmy's looks like it was indeed written by a first grader. Cut back to third person.

Biker Joe: (thought VO) _Well, their money's as green as anyone else's and my ass is covered anyway._ (out loud) "Okay, follow me."

Tommy and Timmy follow Biker Joe to a back room. Inside the room is a chair and a collapsible table. Biker Joe turns to the boys.

Biker Joe: "Last chance to back out. You sure you want a tattoo?"

Tommy: "Yes."

Biker Joe points to his work space.

Biker Joe: "Have a seat."

Tommy eagerly hops into the seat while Biker Joe sets up the necessary equipment. Cut to a very nervous Timmy as he chickens out and slowly makes his way to the door.

* * *

**Act III**  
 **Scene 1**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Glenville Mall, day  
 **Int. Shot:** by the entrance to the men's restroom  
 **Music:** "Sleigh Ride Together With You"

A visibly worried Quinn is knocking on the door.

Quinn: "Boys, it's been a long time, is everything okay?"

No answer. Quinn is about to charge in when Timmy approaches.

Timmy: "Hi, Mom."

Quinn is shocked as she thought they were still using the restroom.

Quinn: "Timmy, what are you doing here!?"

Timmy gasped in horror as he realizes that he forgot to go back through the vents.

Timmy: "Um...Well...you see...uh...I got freaked out...I mean bored! Um... Tommy's still in there. Um...He ate something bad...um..."

Quinn is not buying this. She points to the door.

Quinn: "If you were just in there then how did you get out? I was by the door this whole time."

Timmy gulped with dread.

Timmy: "Um...well...magic?"

Quinn gives her son a piercing glance.

Quinn: "Where's your brother?"

Timmy gulped nervously as he began to sweat profusely.

 **Int. Shot:** Biker Joe's, a few minutes later

Tommy screams in pain as Biker Joe makes the finishing touches on his tattoo.

Tommy: "AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

Biker Joe: (annoyed) "Quit squirmin', kid! I'm almost done."

Suddenly...

Quinn (VO, off screen): "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING TO MY SON!?!"

Startled, Biker Joe immediately stops working. Close up to show that one of the knives was not yet fully colored in but the rest of the tattoo was done. Cut to a very pissed off Quinn with a frightened Timmy cowering behind her legs.

Biker Joe: "Look, missy, he gave me a note from you sayin' it was okay."

Quinn couldn't believe what she was hearing.

Quinn: "AND YOU FELL FOR IT! That note was obviously forged! HOW STUPID ARE YOU!?!"

Biker Joe pulled the note out of his pocket and handed it to Quinn. She gasped in shock when she saw it.

Quinn: (thought VO) _That is my handwriting, but..._

Her eyes narrowed as she remembered that her third son can copy her handwriting exactly.

Quinn: (thought VO) _...TEDDY!!!_

She immediately yanked Tommy out of the chair.

Quinn: "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU'RE IN, THOMAS QUENTIN CARBONE!?!"

She proceeded to drag Tommy out of there. Suddenly, Quinn stops and faces Biker Joe.

Quinn: "AND YOU! You can expect to hear from my lawyer!"

Biker Joe gulped with dread.

* * *

 **Scene 2**  
 **Ext. Shot:** A store front in the mall, the sign reads "Handsome Dan's Cosmetic Clinic"  
 **Int. Shot:** An examination room

The doctor, a thrity-something with movie star looks, was examining Tommy's tattoo. Quinn, meanwhile, was giving both Timmy and Teddy a major ass chiewing.

Quinn (furious): "Timmy, I can't believe you and Tommy snuck off on me like that! And Teddy, you took a bribe to forge a note!?"

Timmy: "But, Mom..."

Quinn: "SHUT UP! Boys, when we get home I'm confiscating all of your money and it's going to be a VERY long time before any of you get an allowance ever again. Also, I don't wanna see any of you playing video games for the rest of the month AND I want all three of you to de-ice the patio this weekend AND take over all snow shoveling for the rest of this winter!"

Both Timmy and Teddy folded their arms and sat there pouting. Quinn turned her attention to the doctor.

Quinn: "Well?"

Doctor: "Mrs. Carbone, I can make a 70 year old granny look like a thirty-something model. Removing your son's tattoo is a walk in the park by comparison. Just a quick lazer procedure."

Quinn: "What's it cost?"

Doctor: "Ten thousand dollars, twenty if you want me to do it today, and an extra four thousand for anesthesia." (pause) "All in advance given the urgent nature of this."

Quinn was so pissed that she decided Tommy deserved a little pain.

Quinn: "Forgo the anesthesia. Tommy won't learn otherwise."

Tommy gulped with dread.

Doctor: "Twenty grand, please."

Quinn was visibly struggling not to explode as she handed over her credit card.

 **Int. Shot:** Operating room

Tommy was strapped to a table with a huge laser cannon aimed right at the tattoo on his left arm. The doctor was wearing goggles as he worked the controls.

Doctor: "Whatever you do, don't squirm. Trust me, you don't want this thing zapping you in the face or the groin."

Tommy was so frightened that a wet spot formed on the crotch of his pants. Cut away from him as the doctor throws the switch. This results in blindingly bright flashes.

Tommy: "AAAAAAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

The doctor observes with a sadistic grin on his face.

* * *

 **Scene 3**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, evening  
 **Int. Shot:** the living room

Tommy is sitting on the couch with a huge bandage wrapped around the upper portion of his left arm. Timmy continually pokes him.

Tommy: "OW...Quit it!"

Timmy pokes him again.

Tommy: "OW...Quit it!"

Teddy enters the living room. He says nothing as he walks over to his brothers and proceeds to poke Tommy's injury himself.

Tommy: "OW...Quit it!"

Suddenly, the dorrbell rings as Teddy pokes Tommy a second time.

Tommy: "OW...Quit it!"

Quinn (VO, off screen): "Teddy, Rachel's here!"

Teddy: "IN THE LIVING ROOM, MOM!"

Timmy, meanwhile, pokes Tommy's injury again.

Tommy: "OW...DAMMIT, TIMMY!"

Rachel comes in.

Rachel: "My Mom told me what happened. I just wanted to have a little fun at Tommy's expense."

Teddy has a Daria-like smirk on his face.

Teddy: "Be my guest."

Rachel pokes Tommy's wound.

Tommy: "OW...YOU TOO!"

Rachel: "Hey, it's your own damn fault! We've all seen that Simpsons episode where Bart did the exact same thing. What made you think you'd get away with it when he couldn't?"

Teddy: "Rachel, we both know neither of my brothers have the capacity to think."

Rachel stifled a giggle.

Rachel: "Good point."

At this point, Jim enters.

Jim: "What's going on?"

He sees Rachel.

Jim: "Hi, Rachel."

Rachel: "Hey, Mr. Carbone."

Teddy: "Where were you all day, Dad?"

Jim: (thought VO) _Stewing over the fact that a clerical error froze our accounts and we have to wait more than a month to fix it._ (Out loud) "Just felt like taking an all day drive. Now, what's with the bandage on Tommy?"

Teddy: "Tommy snuck off and got a tattoo so Mom had to max out her credit card getting it surgically removed."

Jim's eyes went wide and he gasped in horror. At this point, Quinn came in and saw the shocked expression on her husband's face.

Quinn: "I guess you've heard."

Jim finally found his voice.

Jim: "GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Christmas is cancelled! NO PRESENTS FOR ANYONE!!!!!"

Unaware that the bank accounts are frozen until February, Quinn is visibly puzzled by her husband's reaction.

Quinn: "Jim, calm down! My card's maxed and our YouTube channels are down, but we still have your card and plenty of money in the bank. This just means we'll have to stretch it a little farther until the issue with YouTube's resolved."

Jim froze. His face loses all color as he has a panicked expression.

Jim: "Oh...um...That's right! We're not completely out of money!" (forced laugh) "How silly of me! We can still do Christmas. There'll be plenty of presents!"

He nervously makes his way to the back yard.

Jim: "I just...um...I need to get some fresh air! Yeah, that's it! Fresh air!"

Jim hurries out the door before anyone can ask any questions.

* * *

 **Scene 4**  
 **Ext. Shot:** The back yard  
 **Music:** "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas"

Jim nervously paces through the snow covered yard with a totally distraught look on his face.

Jim (thought VO): _Oh, God! We're out of money! First, some troll cancels Quinn's channel and de-monetizes mine. Then, some clerical error causes out bank accounts to be frozen and thanks to goddamn bureaucracy it'll be almost February before we can fix that one. Now, Tommy pulls a stunt that forces Quinn to max out her credit card! We...are...so...fucked!_

Jim stops pacing. He looks at the neighbors houses. One has ornately decorated Christmas lights. Another has massive Christmas lights and even an animatronic Santa Clause saying "HO, HO, HO" on continuous loop. Jim turns back to look at his house. He frowns as he sees the Christmas decorations are Spartan by comparison.

Jim (thought VO): _Now we're as poor as we look._

He looks over the fence at Jamie and Nicole's house next door. He then approaches the fence and looks in one of the windows. Cut to Jim's POV and we see Nicole and Jamie snuggling on the sofa over a hot cup of coco. The Christmas tree in their house already has some presents under it. Cut to third person and we see Jim struggling not to cry.

Jim (thought VO): _How? How am I gonna tell Quinn and the boys that we're dirt poor now? How do I tell them that we don't have enough money for presents? Hell, we might not even have enough to pay the bills anymore!_

Jim walked away from the fence with a saddened expression.

Jim (thought VO): _My credit card and whatever cash I have on hand! That's all we have to live on until the issues with both YouTube and the bank are resolved._

Jim nervously draws his wallet from his pants pocket. He nervously holds it.

Jim (thought VO): _Whatever's in here is what we have to survive on for the next two months! What happens when the credit card bill comes due? Do we even have enough for that now?_

Jim almost opens his wallet, but immediately chickens out.

Jim (thought VO): _I'm afraid to look! I'm afraid to see just how destitute we actually are now!_

His expression suddenly becomes very angry.

Jim (thought VO): _I should ship the boys off to military school for this latest stunt!_ (He suddenly frowns) _Who am I kidding? Even if Quinn went for it there's no way we can afford that now._

Jim took a deep breath and opened his wallet. Cut to his POV and we see three twenty-dollar bills are the only cash he has. Cut back to third person. Jim's right eye is now twitching ominously.

Jim (thought VO): _Sixty bucks! We have to get through the next two months and cover the holidays with only sixty freaking bucks to our name!!!!!!_

Jim collapses to his knees, looks up at the sky and promptly explodes.

 **Int. Shot:** The living room

Quinn, the boys and Rachel are watching TV when...

Jim (VO, off screen): "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

 **Int. Shot:** Nicole and Jamie's living room

Jim (VO, off screen): "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

 **Ext. Shot:** A mansion in Glenville, the name on the mailbox reads Sloane.

Jim (VO, off screen): "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

 **Ext. Shot:** A dive bar called Mystik Bar And Grille

Jim (VO, off screen): "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

 **Ext. Shot:** Billy Joel Elementary School

Jim (VO, off screen): "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

 **Ext. Shot:** A condo in SoHO

Jim (VO, off screen): "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

 **Int. Shot:** Jane's loft

Jane was working on a painting when...

Jim (VO, off screen): "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

Jane jumped back with a start

 **Int. Shot:** Daria's apartment in Hells Kitchen

Daria was stroking a purring Godzilla when...

Jim (VO, off screen): "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

 **Ext. Shot:** International space station, near Earth orbit.

An astronaut was working on the station's exterior when something got his attention...

Jim (VO, from Earth): "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!"

* * *

 **Scene 5**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, evening  
 **Int. Shot:** master bedroom

Quinn and Jim were sitting up in bed. Quinn eyes her husband with obvious concern while Jim looks like he was just told he's dying and nothing can be done about it.

Quinn: "Jim, what's wrong?"

Jim (nervous): "OH...um...uhh....Nothing! Wh...What makes you think something's wrong?"

Quinn: "Jim, after you found out about the boy's latest stunt you went into the backyard and screamed so loud the whole town could hear it. Now, you sulking in bed. What's going on?"

Jim (thought VO): _Do I tell her? Do I tell her that we're now completely destitute?_

Quinn found her husband's silence very unnerving.

Quinn: "Jim, whatever it is you can tell me."

Jim immediately played out the scenario in his head.

**Jim's fantasy...**

Quinn is beyond pissed off.

Quinn: "DAMMIT, JIM!!!! HOW COULD YOU FUCKING LET THIS HAPPEN!?! HOW COULD YOU LET US BECOME COMPLETELY BROKE...ON CHRISTMAS!!!!"

Jim (pleading): "Quinn, it's not my fault! Some troll shut down our YouTube channels and some bureaucrat froze our assets! Please!"

Quinn (very unforgiving): "WE'RE DESTITUTE!!! WHAT KIND OF MAN LETS THAT HAPPEN!?! IF YOU REALLY LOVED ME YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN!!!"

Quinn emerges from the bed. As if by magic she now has a suitcase and is fully clothed.

Quinn: "I'm leaving you for a real man!"

She storms out. Cut to Jim dressed in rags begging on the streets. A guy walks by.

Jim: "Please, can you spare some change?"

Guy: "Get a job, you bum!"

A woman walks by.

Jim (desperate tone): "Miss, could you help a guy out?"

Woman: "Dream on, loser!"

Cut to Jim staring in the window of a house. Inside we see Quinn and the boys having the best Christmas imaginable with her new husband.

Imaginary husband: "I love you Quinn."

Quinn: "I love you more than the loser I was married to before."

Tommy: "Can we open our presents, Dad?"

Timmy: "Yeah, can we?"

Imaginary husband: "Of course."

All three boys: "YAY!"

Teddy: "You're the best Dad ever."

**Reality...**

Jim is now especially morose.

Quinn: "Jim, are you okay?"

Jim (nervous): "Um...Yeah! Quinn, see...uh...." He blurts out the first thing he can think of. "...Please don't leave me for a rich guy!"

Quinn (puzzled): "Why would I do that? Jim, I love you. Please tell me what's on your mind."

Jim: "Well..." He seems like he's about to tell her about their financial situation, but immediately chickens out. "...I wanna do all the Christmas shopping this year!"

Quinn (puzzled, but also moved): "Jim, that's really sweet, but why?"

Jim thinks fast.

Jim: "Well...You do so much for this family! I just figured maybe you could use a break this year, especially given this problem with YouTube. Just let me do all the shopping while you relax and enjoy the holidays!"

Quinn doesn't know whether to be moved or suspicious.

Quinn: "Why were you afraid to tell me that?"

Jim instantly covered his ass.

Jim: "Well, I...um...I was afraid you'd think I was criticising your abilities as a wife and mother. I just want you to have a relaxing Christmas this year but I was afraid you wouldn't see it that way."

Quinn believes him.

Quinn: "Jim, that's so sweet!"

She kisses him. After the kiss...

Quinn (erotic tone): "You know, that kind of thoughtfulness really turns me on."

Music: "Santa, Baby"

As she begins to remove her nightgown we cut to Jim liking what he sees.

Jim (thought VO): _Might as well enjoy it. After all, once she realizes how hard up we are I'll probably never get laid again._

Cut to outside as snow begins to fall.

**To be continued...**


	2. Chapter 2

**Part II**  
 **Act I**  
 **Scene 1**  
 **Ext. Shot:** A Wal Mart in Glenville  
 **Int. Shot:** The electronics section

Jim was browsing the video game aisle with a distraught expression on his face.

Jim (thought VO): _We only have sixty bucks to our name, but I can't let that ruin Christmas._

Jim grabs a video game. Close up to reveal that it's a copy of Call Of Duty Black Ops: Cold War. Cut to Jim smiling.

Jim (thought VO): _The boys have been wanting this one._

Cut to Jim's POV and we see the price is $39.99. Cut back to a now horrified Jim.

Jim: "GAH!!! THRITY-NINE NINETY-NINE!!!! GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT!!!"

Pan out to reveal that his outburst has attracted a lot of unwanted attention from the other customers. Cut back to a visibly embarrassed Jim.

Jim (sheepish): "Er...um...sorry."

Cut to later. Jim is now pushing a shopping cart through the ladies clothing section.

Jim (thought VO): _I can't believe this. I guess I can look forward to being sued for credit default in the new year. Now, what to get for Quinn._

Jim looked at all the clothing. He's instantly dismayed.

Jim (thought VO): _Almost a decade out of style, rock bottom price and I STILL can't afford it._

After a frustrated sigh he grabs a packet of panty hose.

Jim (thought VO): _It's the only thing here that she'd possibly like. Quinn would rather go naked in January than wear most of what this place is carrying._

Cut to another aisle. Jim suddenly stops by some squeak toys.

Jim (thought VO): _Chew toys being sold at two for the price of one. I can cover the dog and Timmy._

Jim takes two rubber squeak bones.

Jim (thought VO): _Timmy likes to pretend he's a dog sometimes. He'll love this._

Jim suddenly frowned.

Jim (thought VO): _Who am I kidding? I'm buying one of my son's a dog toy for Christmas because it's all I can afford._

Jim sighs as he continues on his way. Cut to a check out counter a short time later. A teenage girl in a Wal Mart smock has just finished ringing Jim up.

Checkout girl: "That'll be $175.88, sir."

Jim frowns as he places his credit card in the card reader.

Jim (thought VO): _Dirt cheap, poorly thought out, totally useless trinkets and it's STILL more than we can afford. My credit's gonna be ruined, but what else can I do?_

The recept prints out and the checkout girl hands it to Jim.

Checkout girl: "Happy Holidays!"

Jim (morose tone): "Yeah, right."

He slouches out with an overwhelming feeling of shame.

* * *

 **Scene 2**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Wal Mart entrance  
 **Music:** "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"

Jim emerges from the store with such a morose frown one would think he'd leap in front of a speeding bus at the first opportunity. He's so busy feeling sorry for himself that he doesn't notice the guy carrying a huge stack of wrapped presents until they crash into each other.

Jim: "Hey, watch it!"

Pan out to reveal that the guy Jim crashed into is Trent, accompanied by his daughter Alyssa.

Trent: "Whoa! Sorry, Jim. I couldn't see you over all the presents."

Alyssa: "Hey, Mr. Carbone."

Jim: "Hey, Alyssa." He turns to Trent. "No, I'm sorry. I...sigh...I should've watched where I was going."

Trent notices the defeated tone in Jim's voice.

Trent: "Hey, man, you alright?"

Jim sighed before answering.

Jim: "Yeah. Just, you know, holiday stress."

Trent scratches his chin.

Trent: "I should write a song about that."

Both Trent and Jim then turn their attention to the dropped presents.

Trent: "Um...Which ones are yours and which ones are ours?"

Alyssa starts picking up gifts.

Alyssa: "This one's ours." Pause as she picks up another present. "This one's ours, too." Pause as she picks up another gift. "Ours." She picks up another one. "Ours."

Jim has already picked up the single bag containing all the things he bought. By now, Trent is also picking up dropped presents.

Trent: "This one's ours." Pause. "So's this."

Jim finally loses his patience.

Jim (angry): "They're all yours, dammit!"

Both Trent and Alyssa are visibly taken aback by Jim's outburst.

Trent: "Whoa! Like, what's your problem, man!"

Alyssa: "Yeah, Mr. C! You don't have to be a jerk about it!"

Jim immediately calmed down.

Jim: "Sorry."

Trent: "It's okay, man."

Jim was about to walk away when Alyssa tugged on his jacket sleeve. Jim turned around. Cut to his POV and we see Alyssa holding up one of the dog toys Jim bought.

Alyssa: "Mr. Carbone, you dropped this."

Jim's anger rose again as this reminded him of his family's precarious financial situation.

Jim: "GIMMIE THAT!"

He angrily snatched the dog toy, then walked away in an uncomfortable hurry. As Jim continues on the way to his car he suddenly frowns.

Jim (thought VO): _I shouldn't have gotten so angry, but if people find out we've lost all our money Quinn will leave me and all our friends will lose respect for me because I can't provide like a real man._

He turns to look back. Cut to his POV and we see Trent and Alyssa walking hand in hand with huge smiles on their faces.

Alyssa (excited): "This is gonna be the best Christmas ever, Dad!"

Trent (moved by his daughter's enthusiasm): "It sure is, Alyssa. It sure is."

Cut back to Jim. He looks like the saddest man on the planet. Suddenly, something catches his attention. Cut to Jim's POV and we see a man in a Santa costume ringing a bell next to a bucket full of money. This guy is obviously collecting donations for the poor. Cut back to Jim taking a deep breath to steel his nerves.

Jim (thought VO): _If that's what I have to do to provide for my family like a man is supposed to._

Cut to the man in the Santa costume. Jim approaches.

Guy in Santa Outfit: "MONEY FOR THE POOR! ANY AMOUNT ACCEPTED SO PEOPLE CAN HAVE SOMETHING FOR CHRISTMAS!"

Without warning, Jim punches the guy in the face. As he falls unconscious Jim takes the bucket of money and runs off.

* * *

 **Scene 3**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, day  
 **Int. Shot:** The kitchen

Quinn and Daria are chatting over hot cocoa.

Quinn: "Thanks for spending Christmas here, Daria."

Daria: "Don't mention it, Quinn." Pause. "Ever." Pause. "So, some troll wrecked your livlihood?"

Quinn nodded.

Quinn: "We've already put the word out, but it's gonna take time to get our channels up and running again."

Daria: "While it contradicts my predatory nature, in the spirit of Christmas I'm willing to help out with money."

Quinn shrugs this offer off as she remains unaware that she and Jim are completely broke.

Quinn: "Thanks, but we're okay. We've got enough in the bank to get us through until our issues with YouTube are resolved."

Quinn suddenly frowns.

Quinn: "I just wish Jim would tell me what's going on."

Daria takes another sip of her cocoa.

Daria: "What do you mean?"

Quinn: "He's been acting weird the last few days. He insists on doing all the shopping and won't let me do anything that involves a trip to the store. Whenever I wanna go somewhere he immediately insists on doing it himself while I stay home and relax. It's like he doesn't want me to do anything that might involve spending money."

Daria: "He's probably rattled by the recent professional setback exacerbated by Tommy's recklessness."

Quinn (slightly frustrated): "I still can't believe he snuck off and got a tattoo, and I REALLY can't believe he got Teddy to forge a note from me saying it was okay. I especially can't believe that guy at the tattoo parlor fell for it. Honestly, what kind of parent would sign off on a seven year old boy getting a tattoo?"

Daria: "Jane's parents would've. I'm also pretty sure Trent wouldn't think twice about letting Alyssa get a tattoo."

Quinn stifles a giggle. After this, she turns serious again.

Quinn: "I wish Jim wouldn't overreact to this. If I didn't know better I'd think we're broke and he's trying to hide that fact from me."

Daria: "I'm sure he'll calm down eventually. He's probably just preparing himself for the possibility that this problem with YouTube could drag on long enough for the money to run out."

Quinn: "Hopefully, we'll have this resolved long before it gets to that point."

The two sisters continue to make small talk as we cut to the next scene.

* * *

 **Scene 4**  
 **Ext. Shot:** A one story house in one of the more blue collar sections of Glenville, afternoon

We see Jane ringing the doorbell. A second later Trent answers as it's his house.

Trent: "Oh, hey, Janey!"

Jane smiled.

Jane: "Yo, Trent."

Trent: "Um, What brings you here?"

Jane rolls her eyes.

Jane: "Trent, we already talked about this. Since my husband's in quarantine I'm spending Christmas at your place, remember?"

Trent suddenly remembers.

Trent: "Oh, yeah! Kinda forgot about that."

Jane smirks.

Jane: "Same old Trent."

Int. Shot: The kitchen

Jane and Trent are catching up over tea. Alyssa has joined them.

Alyssa: "Dad, why couldn't we stay at Aunt Jane's place in the city?"

Trent: "Because Daria's staying with Quinn and Jim."

Alyssa: "So?"

Trent clearly doesn't know how to explain, so Jane picks up the slack.

Jane: "I met Miss Morgendorffer back in high school. She was the first and only one there who didn't write me off as some freak and vice versa. We've been like sisters ever since. Hell, even a love triangle wasn't enough to destroy our friendship."

Alyssa raised an eyebrow.

Jane: "Long story, I'll tell you later." (Pause) "Unless your father figures out how to explain things to a kid before then."

Trent: "I know, Janey. I didn't know being a parent was this hard. Now I know why Mom and Dad just hung back and let us raise ourselves."

Alyssa rolled her eyes.

Alyssa: "At least your mother didn't dump you at a stranger's house when you were eight."

Trent is visibly hurt by this.

Trent: "Alyssa, I'm your father. The paternity test proved it."

Alyssa (bitter): "So why weren't you there for the first eight years?"

Trent had a guilty frown. Jane sighed as she realized that she'd have to step up to the plate.

Jane: "Alyssa, your father didn't know your mom was pregnant when they broke up."

Trent: "Jane, it was a one.."

A piercing look from Jane immediately shut him up.

Trent: "...um...I mean...Look, if I knew I had a daughter I would've been there from day one."

Alyssa: "Whatever."

With that, she leaves.

Jane: "Yep, she's a Lane alright."

Visibly uncomfortable, Trent changes the subject.

Trent: "So, are we doing anything special this year?"

Jane nodded.

Jane: "Jim insisted on doing all the shopping this year, so Quinn used the extra time to plan a Christmas Eve party."

Trent: "Cool!"

He suddenly looks thoughtful.

Trent: "You know, Alyssa and I ran into to Jim earlier. He seemed kinda bummed."

Jane raised an eyebrow.

Jane: "He say why?"

Trent shakes his head.

Trent: "Probably just holiday stress."

Jane visibly suspects there's more to it than that.

* * *

 **Scene 5**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, evening

A frowning Jim is making his way to the front door, racked with guilt from what he did to the guy in the Santa costume.

Jim (thought VO): _How could I sink so low? I was desperate enough to steal money that was meant for people even worse off than we are._

He sighs as he enters the house.

 **Int. Shot:** The living room

Sandi is over for a visit. As she and Quinn make light conversation Daria and the boys are watching TV. Cut to the TV screen and we see a man in green tights with a bow and a quiver full of arrows. He's taking money from a poor box and giving it to people who are obviously fat cat billionares.

TV Announcer: "He's steals from the poor and gives to the rich! The Republican Robin Hood, next on Sick, Sad World!"

Cut away from the TV as Jim enters the living room.

Jim: "Hey, everyone." Pause as he sees Sandi and Quinn staring daggers at each other. "Hey, Sandi. What's going on?"

Daria and the kids are too engrossed with what's on TV to acknowledge Jim's return. Sandi, on the other hand, does acknowledge Jim in a way that indicates she's currently in alpha bitch mode.

Sandi: "Well, the lost husband returns. Let me guess, drinking with the guys all afternoon."

Jim is visibly offended by the insinuation.

Jim: "For your information, Sandi, I was Christmas shopping."

Quinn immediately tries to play peacekeeper.

Quinn: "Sorry, Jim. Sandi's just in one of her moods." Pause as she looks at Sandi and her voice takes on a stern tone. "Aren't you, Sandi?"

Sandi (faux kindness): "Of course, Kuh-winn. I would never rub everyone's nose in the fact that I married into money."

Daria (under her breath): "And regained her old bitchiness in the process."

Teddy smirked.

Teddy: "Good one, Aunt Daria."

Sandi disregards Teddy and Daria's remarks though she clearly knows they're having a laugh at her expense.

Quinn (slightly annoyed): "Sandi, you brag about being rich all the time."

Sandi takes offense.

Sandi: "Well, excuse me for marrying into money."

She then smiles sweetly.

Sandi: "Still, it is nice to visit with old friends." (Pause as her old bitchiness quickly returns. ) "Still, your taste in decor is substandard. Nothing personal, but I can tell I'm in the presence of those less fortunate." (Pause as she turns sweet again.) "Not that there's anything wrong with that." (Her bitchiness resurfaces.) "Where's the tree?"

Jim points to the Christmas Tree.

Jim: "What are you talking about, Sandi? It's right there."

Sandi waves her hand dismissively.

Sandi: "No offense, Jim, but that's not a real tree. It's a plastic knock off that you use every year. Tom and I have an actual fifteen foot Norwegian Pine this year. It adds an element of authenticity."

This awakens Quinn's compettitive instincts.

Quinn: "For your information, Sandi, Jim was just going to get a real tree."

Jim gulps with dread.

Jim: "I was?"

Quinn (firm): "You are now."

The look on Quinn's face makes it clear that Jim had better do what she says.

Jim (frustrated): "Fine!"

He walks back toward the door. Suddenly, Tommy and Timmy run up to him.

Tommy: "Can we come along, Dad?"

Timmy: "Yeah, can we?"

Jim (sharp, angry growl): "No!"

He storms out the door, slamming it shut behind him before anyone can say anything else. Cut to Daria and Teddy exchanging frowns.

* * *

**Act II**  
 **Scene 1**  
 **Ext. Shot:** A street in Glenville  
 **Music:** "Oh, Christmas Tree"

We see Quinn's Cadillac Escalade driving along the road. Zoom in to show it's actually Jim driving the SUV. He's hunting for a real Christmas Tree. He looks pissed.

Jim (thought VO): _Just freakin' great! Quinn and Sandi get compettitive and now I'm stuck spending money we don't have on a tree we can't afford._

Cut to Jim's POV and we see a lot full of Christmas Trees. The sign says "All Tree's $300.00". Cut back to Jim.

Jim (thought VO): _Maybe the next lot's cheaper._

Cut to later as the Escalade passes another lot. The sign on this one reads "All Tree's $200.00 and up". Cut to the SUV and we see an annoyed Jim.

Jim (thought VO): _Dammit!_

Cut to later on. The sign on this lot says "Huge Discount. All Trees $75.00". Cut to Jim looking relieved. Cut to a shot of the lot and we see the trees are all sparse and dying. Cut back to Jim.

Jim (thought VO): _You've gotta be kidding me!_

Cut to outside the SUV as it heads toward New York City.

 **Ext. Shot:** A lonely highway in the middle of nowhere.

We see a sign that reads "State Nature Preserve". Behind the sign we see tire tracks in the snow veering off the road into the woods. Cut to deep in the forest and we see Quinn's Escalade parked with the rear hatch open and the lights shut off. We then see that Jim, under cover of darkness, is taking a chainsaw to a pine tree. Soon, the tree comes down. As Jim loads the tree into the back we hear an alert siren in the distance.

Jim (thought VO): _Shit!_

He shoves the tree the rest of the way in. Cut to behind Jim and we see two snarling Dobermans running towards him. Behind the vicious dogs is a truck marked "New York State Forestry Service". The truck comes to a stop and two park rangers armed with rifles step out.

Ranger: "TREE POACHER!"

Cut to Jim ducking into his wife's Escalade as we hear two blasts of gunfire. He then speeds off and makes his getaway.

* * *

 **Scene 2**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, a few hours later

Zoom in on Quinn's Escalade to reveal that one of the tail lights has been shot out.

 **Int. Shot:** The living room

Jim is showing off the tree to Quinn, Daria, Sandi and the boys (and hoping no one notices how nervous he is).

Jim: "Well, what do you guys think?"

Teddy points to the tree.

Teddy: "Why does our new tree have a bird's nest in it?"

Close up to show a bird nest is in the tree. Cut back to wide shot.

Jim (nervous): "Um...That's not a bird's nest. It's...um...an ornament! Yeah, that's right! It came with the tree."

He starts to nervously slink out of the room.

Jim: "Also, the tail light was sho...I mean broken...Um...Yeah, kids were throwing rocks in the street and one of them shattered the tail light." (Pause as he looks at his watch.) "Oh...Look at the time! Um...Goodnight!"

As Jim quickly exits Daria, Quinn and Sandi all cast suspicious glances in his direction. Once he's gone...

Sandi: "Quinn, if I didn't know better I'd think your husband's hiding something."

Daria: "I have to admit she has a point."

Quinn sighed.

Quinn: "He's been acting weird ever since I had to max out my credit card getting Tommy's tattoo removed. He won't let me do anything that involves spending money."

Sandi: "Quinn, are you guys in some kind of financial trouble?"

Quinn: "No." (Pause as she looks thoughtful.) "Although, it would explain a lot. What I don't get is why he's being so cagey lately. Yes, our channels have been taken down under false pretenses but we're fighting it and we should be back up and running before too long. We have more than enough in the bank to get by until then."

Sandi and Daria both appear thoughtful. None of them are aware that the bank accounts have also been frozen.

Sandi: "Might just be holiday stress. After all, sometimes Tom acts like we don't control a global business empire during this time."

Daria and Quinn both look thoughtful.

Quinn: "Come to think of it, our father used to get really worked up over nothing too."

Daria agrees as this actually makes sense to someone who had Jake Morgendorffer as a father.

Daria: "True. I really don't think there's anything going on here but run of the mill anxiety."

Quinn: "Yeah, he probably is just worked up."

As Daria and Sandi make small talk in the background Quinn looks both thoughtful and suspicious, indicating that she doesn't actually believe what she just said.

* * *

 **Scene 3**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, morning  
 **Int. Shot:** Master bedroom

Quinn stands in front of the vanity looking nervous while the sound of running water comes from the bathroom, indicating that Jim's taking a shower.

Quinn (thought VO): _I never thought this would happen to us. I never thought Jim would cheat on me, but I can't think of any other reason for Jim to be so nervous and secretive lately. An extramarital affair is the only explanation._

Cut to her POV and we see Jim's I-Phone on the vanity. Cut back to third person. Quinn picks up the phone and unlocks it (she and Jim know each others pass codes). As Quinn scrolls through everything her expression becomes a mixture of disappointment and relief. Finally, she puts the phone down and sighs.

Quinn (thought VO): _No suspicious calls, no suspicious texts, no suspicious e-mails and no suspicious pictures. I don't get it. If Jim's not having an affair then what's he hiding from me?_

 **Int. Shot:** Spare bedroom, a short time later

Daria has just woken up. She reaches for her glasses and puts them on. She then looks around and gasps in shock.

Daria (thought VO): _This isn't my apartment!?_

She suddenly calms down as she remembers where she is.

Daria (thought VO): _Right! I'm staying over at Quinn's for the holidays._

As if on cue the door opens and Quinn enters.

Quinn: "Daria, can I talk to you?"

Daria: "Only if you stop pretending I have a choice."

Quinn stifled a giggle as she entered and closed the door behind her.

Quinn: "Good one, sis."

She sits on the bed.

Daria: "What's on your mind, Quinn?"

Quinn's smile instantly vanished as she remembers why she's in there. She takes a deep breath to steel her nerves.

Quinn: "Jim's cheating on me."

Daria's eyes go wide with shock as Jim's the last person she'd expect to do something like that.

Daria: "Quinn, are you sure?"

Quinn sighed.

Quinn: "Only sixty-percent, not enough to confront him about the issue."

Daria: "What makes you think your husband's keeping another woman on the side?"

Quinn: "Come on, Daria. You've seen how nervous and secretive he's been lately. What other reason could there be?"

Daria: "Granted, I'm not privy to everything that goes on between you two, but it's obvious Jim's just as in love with you now as he was on your wedding day. He's also clearly a man who always tries to do right by the people he loves. Jim having a side piece seems pretty far fetched to me."

Quinn: "Me too. The problem is I can't think of a better reason for him to be so secretive lately. He's definitely hiding something from me. We've always had the kind of relationship where we're totally honest with each other, but suddenly he's going to some pretty extreme lengths to keep stuff from me."

Daria: "Such as?"

Quinn: "He insists on doing all the Christmas shopping, he won't let me use my debit card, he even changed the log on information so I can't check our finances online."

Daria looks thoughtful for a minute.

Daria: "Quinn, I just thought of another possibility. He doesn't want you knowing exactly how much money you guys have in the bank."

Quinn: "Why would he keep that a secret?"

Daria: "The only possibility I can think of is that you don't have as much money as you think and he's afraid of how you'll react to that information."

Quinn gasps in realization as this theory makes a lot more sense than her initial conclusion.

* * *

 **Scene 4**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Trent's house, day  
 **Int. Shot:** The living room

Jane and Daria are sitting on the couch watching Sick, Sad World. Cut to the TV screen and we see a bride and groom at the wedding altar. The groom's made of wood and has a long nose.

TV Announcer: "He said I do...AND HIS NOSE GREW! I Married Pinocchio, next on Sick, Sad World!"

Cut back to Daria and Jane.

Jane: "Let me get this straight. You and Quinn think Jim's trying to hide a low bank balance from Quinn."

Daria: "It makes more sense than her initial theory that he's cheating on her. Basically, Quinn and I talked it over and looked at the facts. One, some internet troll used phony copy strikes to get Quinn's YouTube channel taken down and Jim's channel de-monetized. Two, their Patreon was suspended for similar reasons, leaving them without a source of income for the time being. Three, Jim freaked out when the kids pulled a stunt that forced Quinn to max out her credit card. Four, Jim's going to great lengths to keep Quinn from either spending money or seeing their bank balance. It all adds up to something depleting their bank account and Jim being afraid of how Quinn might take such news."

Jane: "The plot thickens. She confront him about it?"

Daria: "Not yet. She doesn't wanna cause unecessary drama so she's waiting for a chance to talk to Jim alone. Problem there is he's not making it easy. Every time Quinn asks to speak to Jim in private he comes up with an excuse not to and takes off before she has a chance to press the issue."

Jane: "If they're broke and Jim's trying to hide it he's doing a poor job. Besides, she'll probably figure it out when the bills come and they can't pay."

Daria: "I'm hoping they resolve it before then. I'm also hoping things don't come to a head during the Christmas Eve Party tonight."

Jane looks thoughtful for a moment.

Jane: "The party's gonna turn into a riot, isn't it?"

Daria: "You sound like you expected otherwise."

Jane stifled a chuckle.

Jane: "Yeah, that's a miracle even the spirit of Christmas can't pull of."

* * *

 **Scene 5**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, Christmas Eve  
 **Music:** "Jingle Bell Rock"

We see a bunch of cars parked in front of the house. Cut to inside and we see various guests mingling. Tommy and Timmy are playing video games with Shane and Lexi Sloane. Cut to another room and we see Trent singing while Alyssa plays guitar. Cut to the living room and we see Teddy and Rachel looking on at everything with visible disdain. Finally, cut to the kitchen, where Quinn and Nicole are preparing appetizers.

Quinn: "Thanks for helping, Nicole."

Nicole: "No problem, Quinn."

The two women each take a tray. Quinn is carrying a tray of Christmas cookies while Nicole takes out a sushi platter that, being of Japanese ancestry, she made herself. Cut to the dinning room table and we see both women lay out the trays along side all the other refreshments. At this point, Jamie approaches. His face lights up when he sees what his wife and Quinn just brought out.

Jamie: "Awright!"

He immediately takes a paper plate and puts some of Nicole's sushi on it. He takes a tuna roll and pops it in his mouth. Once he's done eating, he compliments his wife.

Jamie: "Have I ever told you how much I love your homemade sushi, Nicole?"

Nicole smiles playfully.

Nicole: "Only every time I've served it since we first started dating thirteen years ago."

At this point Tom and Sandi approach. Tom points to the room they just came from as Sandi speaks.

Sandi: "Quinn, what's with your husband?"

Quinn looks in the direction that Tom's pointing. Cut to her POV and we see Jim sitting alone in a corner, drinking a dark German beer and looking miserable. Cut back to third person.

Tom: "He's been in that corner looking miserable since we got here."

Quinn suddenly looks determined.

Quinn (thought VO): _Enough's enough!_

She immediately makes her way to Jim in a manner similar to Helen in these situations.

Quinn: "Jim, we need to talk?"

Jim sighs.

Jim: "Quinn, I'm really not in the mood to talk right now."

Quinn's having none of it.

Quinn: "That's what we need to talk about. You've been acting weird for over two weeks now. You won't let me spend any money, you won't let me see our bank statements. I wanna know what's going on...right now!"

Jim's defiant.

Jim: "Look, Quinn, I already told you. I want you to have a relaxing Christmas and not worry about everything. We're fine."

Quinn refuses to let up.

Quinn: "No, we aren't. Jim, I know you're hiding something from me and that something obviously has to do with our finances. Now, spill!"

Jim makes an attempt at gaslighting out of desperation.

Jim: "Have you had too much egg nog? Because the way you're talking tells me either you're drunk or losing it. Trust me, we're fine!"

Quinn: "Jim, we've been together fifteen years, ten as husband and wife. I've gotten pretty good at figuring you out in that time. I know when you're lying to me, and you're definitely lying to me now!"

Before the conversation can further degenerate into an argument the door bell rings.

Quinn( with Helen-like firmness): "Don't you dare go anywhere, Jim, because we are definitely going to continue this conversation after I get that!"

Quinn makes her way to the front door and opens it. Standing there are two men in black suits and dark sunglasses, one tall and skinny and the other short with a mustache. They immediately show Quinn their badges.

Tall one: "Ma'am, I'm agent Milton, this is my partner, Agent Ross. New York Forestry Service."

Quinn: "Can I help you guys?"

Milton: "Depends. Are you the owner of the 2014 Cadillac Escalade parked in the driveway?"

Quinn: "Yes, but my husband also drives it when he needs storage space. What's going on?"

Ross: "A few nights ago someone illegally cut down a pine tree in Westchester State Preserve. The plate number of the vehicle used to transport the poached tree was the same license plate number as your SUV."

Quinn gasped in horror. Cut to Jim, who gulps as he realizes that he is soooo busted.

* * *

**Act III**  
 **Scene 1**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, Christmas Eve

We see agents Milton and Ross stuff the Carbone's Christmas Tree (which Jim poached from a nature preserve) into the back of a black SUV. They then get into the vehicle and drive off.

 **Int. Shot:** The living room

The Carbone's Christmas Eve party has come to an abrupt halt. All guests present watch with morbid fascination as Quinn gives Jim a major ass chewing.

Quinn: "Dammit, Jim! First, you freak out because Tommy forced me to max out my credit card, then you go to incredible lengths to keep me from spending money or seeing our bank accounts, and now, now government agents have confiscated our Christmas Tree and slapped us with a five-thousand dollar fine! If you know what's good for you, you'll fess up and tell me what the hell's going on RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!"

Jim hung his head and sighed. The very thing he was trying to avoid was now happening, and all their friends and neighbors had a front row seat.

Jim: "I...I have a confession to make. Quinn, we're out of money!"

A collective gasp comes from all present.

Quinn: "Jim, what are you talking about? Our channels are de-monetized, yes, but we should have enough in the bank to keep us going until that's resolved."

Jim gulps with dread as his eyes scam the room. Everyone, from Daria and Jane to Trent to Sandi and Tom to Nicole and Jamie to all the kids are looking at him with disapproving faces. Jim's expression is one of both deep shame and resignation. Quinn begins to lose what little patience she still has.

Quinn: "WELL!?"

Jim (shame filled sigh): "Quinn, we don't have any money in the bank. That day you were at the mall with the boys I went to gas up my car and the machine wouldn't take my ATM card. I went to the bank to find out what's going on and it turns out a clerical error caused our accounts to be erased. All our money, the savings, the checking account, all of it, is gone. We...We're completely broke!!!"

Quinn gasps and stands there with a horrified expression on her face. This is accompanied by another collective gasp from all the party goers. Shamefaced, Jim continues with his confession.

Jim: "I...I tried my best not to let it ruin Christmas. That's why I tried to hide what was going on, that's why I insisted on doing all the shopping this year, that's why I cut off your access to our money and that's why I had to steal a tree from a nature preserve when you insisted on a real one this year. I...There isn't even enough to pay when the credit card bill comes due."

Quinn finds her voice.

Quinn: "Jim, you should've told me we're broke! Especially since I would've figured it out when you file for bankruptcy after the next round of bills come in."

Jim: "I...I didn't wanna ruin Christmas. I...Well, I figured if I can keep you in the dark until after Christmas then we could have one last Christmas together before you toss me out on my ass."

Quinn (hurt by the insinuation): "Jim, how could you even think that!? Yes, I'm horrified to learn that we're broke and I'm very upset! What I'm most upset about, though, is that you tried to keep me in the dark about this. You should've told me!"

Jim: "And piss on everyone's holiday!? Quinn, I didn't want this to ruin Christmas. I wanted you and the boys to have the Christmas you deserve and that wasn't gonna happen with something like this hanging over everyone's head, so I did what I could to make sure we still had a merry Christmas. I racked up a credit card bill on cheap ass excuses for gifts, stole a tree from a protected area and at one point was even desperate enough to steal a collection bucket from a guy taking donations. I did everything possible not to ruin Christmas...AND IT STILL GOT RUINED!!"

Jim hurriedly turned and walked away. He grabs his car keys and makes his way to the door. Cut to Quinn and the assembled guests.

Quinn: "Jim, where are you going!?"

Jane: "And why do I get the feeling you don't plan on coming back?"

Jim turns to face everyone.

Jim (sad): "Because I'm not coming back! I've done too much damage already!"

He hurriedly storms out the door. Cut to a horrified Quinn.

Quinn: "JIM, WAIT!!!"

 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, a few seconds later

As Jim hurriedly gets into his Camaro Quinn runs out the front door and chases after him.

Quinn: "JIM, DON'T GO!!!"

Jim starts his car, hurriedly backs out of the driveway and speeds up the road. Cut to Quinn frowning as she hangs her head in defeat. Hanging her head, she starts to cry.

* * *

 **Scene 2**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Long Island Expressway  
 **Music:** "Last Christmas" covered by Wham!

_Last Christmas_   
_I gave you my heart_

Cut to Jim's Camaro. He's deep in thought as he drives down the highway.

Jim (thought VO): _Great! Just damn great! I've managed to ruin Christmas! I tried to give my family the Christmas they deserve and it freakin' blew up in my face!_

Jim's angry scowl quickly morphs into a depressed frown.

Jim (thought VO): _Now everyone knows we're broke. Quinn's probably being laughed at by all our friends right now. I tried to fix things, but all I ever seem to do is make things worse. I...I can't go back. Everyone knows I'm a loser, everyone knows Quinn's married to a loser and the boys know their father's a loser. I can't provide for my wife and kids like a man should...AND NOW EVERYONE KNOWS IT!!_

Jim sighs before continuing his self-loathing session.

Jim (thought VO): _Our friends have lost all respect for us and...and...AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT!_

Cut to Jim having a fantasy.

**Jim's fantasy...**

Tommy, Timmy and Teddy are huddled up by a dumpster in a dark alley dressed in rags. Cut to the end of the alley and we see Quinn emerge from the passenger side of a car dressed as a hooker. As the car leaves she puts some money in her purse and walks over to the boys.

Teddy: "How much did you get from this one?"

Quinn hangs her head in shame.

Quinn: "I gave him a blow job and rode his dick, so thirty bucks."

Tommy: "Mom, everyone at school hates me because you're a hooker now!"

Timmy: "Mom, why do you sleep with guys for money?"

Quinn: "We've already discussed that. I whore myself to drunk losers so you boys won't starve to death."

She suddenly becomes angry.

Quinn: "And it's your father's fault I have to do that! We lost our money and all our friends because of him!"

Timmy: "When's Dad coming back?"

Quinn: "He's not."

Teddy: "He'd just make things worse. We already live in a dumpster, dress in rags and Mom has to sell her body to keep us from starving to death and it's all Dad's fault."

Tommy: "Yeah, Dad's such a loser that he ruined our lives."

Quinn: "I hope your father's rotting in hell right now!"

Sguiggle screen as we transition back to reality.

 **Int. Shot:** Jim's Camaro

Jim frowns as he realizes that he failed his wife and kids.

Jim (thought VO): _They're better off without me. I go back I'll just screw things up worse than I already have._

Cut to outside the car as Jim drives toward New York City.

* * *

 **Scene 3**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, at that very moment  
 **Int. Shot:** The living room

Everyone is still there. Quinn sits alone on the couch nursing a glass of Amaretto. She's stopped crying but still looks very sad. Daria approaches and sits next to her.

Daria: "Quinn, are you okay?"

Quinn (exhausted): "No." (Pause.) "Why? Why didn't Jim tell me we were broke? Why did he lie to me?"

Daria: "Quinn, while I don't condone lying I can actually understand why your husband did in this case. I'm not excusing what he did, but I get why he did it. He wanted you and the boys to have a merry christmas and he didn't want anyone feeling sorry for you. To that end, he did a bunch of things that violate his sense of right and wrong, all for the sake of you and the boys. After all, what would you have done if the situation were reversed?"

Quinn's eyes go wide with realization.

Quinn: "I...I would've gone to even greater lengths to keep it from ruining Christmas. I would've done everything possible to keep the fact that we're broke from everyone, including my husband and kids."

Daria: "So you understand why I think your husband deserves a break on the whole lying and stealing thing?"

Quinn nodded. At this point, Nicole and Jamie approach. Nicole sits on the other side of Quinn.

Nicole: "Quinn, I want you to know I'm gonna help you out in any way I can."

Jamie nods in agreement with his wife.

Quinn: "Guys, one of the reasons Jim lied is he doesn't want you feeling sorry for us."

Nicole: "Quinn, I'm not offering to help out of pity. I'm doing it because you're my best friend, our husbands are best friends and, frankly, you'd do the same for us."

Jamie added his own two cents worth.

Jamie: "Yeah, you and Jim don't have anything to be ashamed of. What happened to you can happen to anyone." (Pause as he smiles and looks at Nicole.) "Should we tell them?"

Nicole nodded before turning to Quinn.

Nicole: "Quinn, Jamie and I talked it over. The gifts we were gonna give each other this year, we want you and Jim to have them instead."

Quinn gasped in shock.

Jamie: "And your kids can have the toys we were gonna give Rachel. We asked her and she's okay with it."

Quinn: "But...But what about you guys?!"

Nicole: "Quinn, you and your family deserve a merry christmas. If that means we do without gifts this year then so be it. Frankly, that was a very easy decision to make."

Jane approaches.

Jane: "Quinn, if you need anything from me just say so and you'll get it. No strings attached."

Daria: "Same here, Quinn."

Quinn is visibly moved by the sentiment. At this point, Trent and Alyssa approach. Alyssa has her guitar with her.

Alyssa: "Here, Mrs. Carbone."

She offers her guitar to Quinn.

Quinn: "But...none of us play guitar."

Alyssa: "I still want you to have it. You may not be able to play, but I wanna give you something." (Pause.) "Besides, I peaked in Dad's closet a few days ago, so I already know I'm getting a Strat for Christmas." (She places the guitar in Quinn's lap.) "Merry Christmas."

Trent: "If you or anyone ever decide to play I'll be happy to give you lessons, no charge."

Quinn is so moved by the sentiment that she has to wipe a stray tear from her cheek.

Quinn: "Thanks!"

At this point, Sandi approaches.

Sandi: "Quinn, don't worry about Christmas Dinner. Tom and I want you to spend it with us. Also, if you ever need anything, anything at all, just let me know and you'll get it."

Quinn is pleasantly surprised, which Sandi notices.

Sandi: "Quinn, as much as I like to rub your nose in the fact that I'm now incredibly rich that doesn't mean I won't do everything in my power to help you out of a jam, especially given all the times you were there for me when I needed it. When I came out as bi, my family disowned me but you accepted me wholeheartedly and even promised that you'd be my family from now on. I know it doesn't always seem that way, but you, Jim and the boys are more my family than my blood relatives ever were."

Pause as everyone is visibly touched by Sandi's sentiment. After a moment, she continues.

Sandi: "Tom and I talked it over. Do you still have your boy's Christmas Lists?"

Quinn nodded.

Quinn: "Why?"

Sandi grinned.

Sandi: "So I can go to the computer and order it all on Amazon. You'll have to wait a week or so, but it's better than your kids not getting what they asked Santa for."

Quinn stands up and hugs Sandi.

Quinn: "Oh, Sandi, thank you!" (She releases Sandi and looks at everyone else. ) "Thank you all! You know, it's weird. I'm broke, my husband ran off but you guys just made this the best Christmas I ever had! Thank you!"

Daria stands up.

Daria: "Speaking of your husband, after you give Sandi the boy's lists we should probably go look for him and bring him back."

Quinn nodded in agreement.

* * *

 **Scene 4**  
 **Outdoor shot:** Panoramic shot of Williamsburg bridge connecting Brooklyn and Manhattan  
 **Music:** "Silent Night"

_Silent night_   
_holy night_

Zoom in on bridge and we see Jim's Camaro parked on the curb while Jim stands on the sidewalk and leans on the guardrail.

_All is calm_   
_All is bright_

Jim watches the East River flow underneath him. His expression is so morose one would think he's debating whether or not to climb onto the ledge and jump. He's so lost in self-pity that he doesn't hear the sound of an SUV coming to a stop right by him. He doesn't react to the sound of two car doors opening and two people stepping out. He doesn't do anything until...

Quinn (VO, off screen): "Jim."

Jim looks over. Cut to see a visibly concerned Quinn standing there while Daria remains next to Quinn's Escalade.

Quinn: "Please tell me you're not gonna do what it looks like you're about to."

Jim: "Relax, I wasn't gonna jump. I was just out here trying to clear my head." (Pause as something occurs to him.) "How'd you find me?"

Quinn: "I didn't. I just had a strange feeling that you'd be here. Um, What are you doing here anyway?"

Jim lets out a sigh.

Jim: "Just thinking. Quinn, I'm sorry I ruined Christmas."

Quinn: "Jim, you didn't ruin Christmas. Yes, you lied to me, but I took a minute to think about it and not only do I understand why you lied but I also realized I would've done the same thing in your position."

Jim: "I still ruined Christmas."

Quinn walks right up to her husband until they're standing toe to toe.

Quinn: "No, you didn't."

Jim: "Quinn, we're dead broke. The soonest I can get our accounts unfrozen in the last week of January." (His expression becomes angry.) "Damn pencil necked bureaucrat stickler!" (He calms down.) "I...I'm sorry we're broke."

Quinn places a reassuring hand on her husband's shoulder.

Quinn: "Jim, that's not your fault. Some troll shut down our YouTube channels and some idiot at the bank accidentally froze our accounts. That can happen to anyone."

Jim: "Christmas is still ruined." (His tone becomes bitter.) "Our friends probably ditched us after I left, all because we're destitute losers now."

It was at this point that Daria joined the conversation.

Daria: "Funny, if they think you're worthless then why did they all line up to help you guys out after you left?"

Jim is visibly surprised.

Jim: "You're kidding!?"

Daria: "Nicole and Jamie are giving you guys all of their presents, Alyssa gave Quinn her guitar, Trent offered free lessons, Sandi is buying presents for your kids and while Quinn and I came looking for you Jane went to get your old fake tree out of the garage and they're all probably done decorating it now. Also, Sandi and Tom gave you a blank check to help yourselves to as much of their food as you want. So did everyone else."

Jim visibly doesn't know whether or not to believe her.

Quinn: "It's true. Once they knew the situation all our friends were practically begging to help us out in every way imaginable."

Jim: "You...You're serious!"

Quinn nodded.

Quinn: "Jim, I understand why you did what you did, but you didn't have to. We're already surrounded by people who care about us so much they're actually willing to sacrifice their own Christmas to make sure we have a good one. Jim, there's only one thing missing that'd make this Christmas perfect now."

Jim: "What's that?"

Quinn: "You, at home with your wife and children, surrounded by all of our friends."

Jim is visibly moved. He immediately pulls Quinn into an embrace.

Jim: "Quinn, I love you."

He kisses her on the forehead.

Quinn: "I love you too, Jim. Now, let's go home."

The hug ends as Quinn looks at Daria.

Quinn: "If you don't mind, I'd like to ride home with my husband."

Daria: "Now problem, Quinn. I'll get the Escalade back in the same condition it's in now."

Cut to a few seconds later and we see both vehicles head back towards Long Island.

* * *

 **Scene 5**  
 **Ext. Shot:** Casa Carbone, later that evening  
 **Int. Shot:** The living room

Jim, Daria and Quinn are now back surrounded by all the guests at their Christmas Eve party. Jane is in the process of decorating the fake Christmas Tree while Nicole, Jamie and Rachel have just finished placing all their gifts under the tree. They then rejoin the other guests. Jim has just learned what everyone did after finding out that he and Quinn are broke. He's so moved that he actually wipes a stray tear.

Jim: "You...You really didn't have to do this."

Nicole: "Actually, we did. You guys are our best friends, no way we're letting your Christmas get ruined."

Tom: "Jim, you should've just told me what was going on with the bank. I could've prevented this in the blink of an eye."

Jim raised an eyebrow.

Jim: "How?"

Tom: "Jim, I own the company that owns your bank. All it took to unfreeze your assets was a quick phone call. In case you're wondering, it turns out someone accidentally downloaded malware while viewing porn on the job. Your account was just one of several that got wiped out as a result. All the old balances have been restored now. You've got your money back."

Jim facepalmed himself. He'd forgotten that his bank is a subsidiary of Grace, Sloane and Paige. He could've avoided all of this just by telling Tom what was going on.

Jim: "I can't believe I forgot about that."

Sandi: "It happens, Jim. Besides, even if my husband couldn't get you your money back with just a phone call we were willing to share our food and money with you guys as long as you needed."

Jamie: "Yeah, and Nicole and I still decided to go without presents this year even though Sandi ordered all the stuff your kids wanted on Amazon."

Daria: "You can expect more gifts over the next two weeks and, thanks to Tom, you can once again pay your bills."

Having finished decorating the tree, Jane joined the conversation.

Jane: "You know, Jim, being broke on Christmas is nothing to be ashamed of. We all did what we could to help you out as soon as we knew."

Jim (fighting back another tear): "You know, I already have the best Christmas present one could get: friends who care."

Before the scene gets overly sappy Quinn's I-Phone goes off. She immediately answers.

Quinn: "Hello?" (Her eyes go wide.) "Anna!?"

At this point, Jim's I-Phone goes off and he answers.

Jim: "Hello?" (His face lights up.) "Trevor!? I haven't seen you since that vid con in Orlando! How ya doin'?"

Cut to Quinn.

Quinn: "Okay."

Without hanging up, Quinn explains who's calling.

Quinn: "That's Anna Akana, the famous YouTuber. She want's me to try logging on."

Jim's equally excited.

Jim: "Tmartn just told me the same thing."

Cut to the home office. Everyone is gathered around a very happy Quinn at her computer.

Quinn: "S'mores 'n' Pores is back up and running!"

Jim (equally excited): "Jim The Car Guy's been re-monetized!"

They each get back on their cell phones.

Quinn: "Thanks for pulling some clout for us, Anna! Merry Christmas!" (pause) "I'm just as surprised! I didn't think we'd be back up this quickly either."

Jim: "Merry Christmas, Trev!"

They hang up. Cut to Teddy, standing at the entrance to the living room.

Teddy: "Um...Guys! You might wanna see this."

Everyone enters the living room. What they see causes a collective gasp. Cut to show a larger, better decorated tree than what we saw before with way more presents under it than just Jamie, Nicole and Rachel's gifts.

Sandi: "H...How?"

At this point, the sound of jingling sleigh bells can be heard coming from outside. This is accompanied by...

Santa Claus (VO, off screen): "HO HO HO!"

Cut to outside and we actually see Santa flying through the sky on his sleigh.

Santa Claus: "MERRY CHRISTMAS!"

Pan to the house. Everyone stands behind Tommy, Timmy and Teddy with their faces glued to the window. As Teddy looks out in shock and his brothers stare out in wide eyed wonder snow begins to fall outside.

Teddy: "Well, there goes my sense of logic."

Daria: "Get used to it, Teddy. It happens all the time."

Cut to an amazed Tommy.

Tommy: "It's a Christmas miracle!"

Cut to Timmy smiling reverently.

Timmy: "Thanks, Santa!"

The boys turn to all the adults behind them.

Timmy: "This is the best Christmas ever!"

All the adults smile warmly.

Quinn: "It sure is, Timmy. It sure is."

Cut to outside. Pan away as everyone continues to watch the snow fall.

**End Credits.**

As the credits roll we're treated to a scene of everyone in the living room singing.

Everyone:  
 _Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer_  
 _Had a very shiny nose_

Tommy:  
 _Like a light blub!_

Everyone:  
 _And if you ever saw it_  
 _You would even say it glows_

Timmy:  
 _Like a flashlight!_

Everyone:  
 _All of the other reindeer_  
 _Used to laugh and call him names_

Alyssa:  
 _Like Pinocchio!_

Everyone:  
 _They never let poor Rudolf_  
 _Join in any reindeer games_

Teddy:  
 _Like monopoly_

Everyone:  
 _Then one foggy Christmas Eve_  
 _Santa came to say_

All the kids:  
 _HO HO HO_

Everyone:  
 _Rudolf with your nose so bright_  
 _Won't you guide my sleigh tonight_

_Then all the reindeer loved him_   
_As they shouted out with glee_

Timmy:  
 _YIPEE!_

Everyone:  
 _Rudolf the red nosed reindeer_  
 _You'll go down in history_

Tommy:  
 _Like George Washington!_

At this point, the whole cast looks at us and waves, breaking the fourth wall.

Whole cast: "MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYONE!"

**The End.**


End file.
